being mad is not healthy. it consumes me. i take it in, it goes into my gut, my soul. makes me a very angry, bitter, hateful person. thats not me. i try to focus on the positive but i just find myself wandering back into the hate. frustration that ben and denise can be so dumb, that they cant see what they are doing, how riduclous it is. i think the puppy love has worn off at this point, what is posessing their decisions. and why do i let their decisonis affect me so negatively? when i was in high school and i broke up with ron...i was devastated, he betrayed me, he lied to me...but i didnt have a common bond that kept me in contact with him. we didnt have to see each other and get along, we didnt have to make decisions that would affect anyone but ourselves. i have to share my kids with ben, and i now have to share them with denise. i have to let her be a part of their lives, when i dont like her or trust her. when i know id be emotionally better off if she was out of the picture. why do i hold her in contempt? beachse while ben was unhappily married to me...i never did a damn thing to her. i dont belive that she was unhappy with evan, i dont belive that she is even happy now. she wont ever be happy. but she did take a marriage off of my hands that was not fufilling. she did take a man off of my hands that was not right for me..and left for me a man that i adore. a man that fits me better than anyone has ever fit. i dont want to be angry. i dont want to be pissed at the sight of ben. i had become him, he was a part of me. that is how deep i was in that marraige. i wish he had been in the same place as i. the reprograming of thoughts is dificult. the transition from he is my husband to i dont want him, is strange. i have my own life, a life i enjoy and get excited about.
my kids will be spending the weekend at denises from now on. they will wake up and find them in bed together. this makes me sad, it hurts my feelings. evan and i dont do that, beacuse evan wont do it. evan and i have boundaries, ben does not. evan and i have had some sense, they have not. the boundaries and sense we have are beacuse evan has them. and im happy for that. we have built a healthy relationship. i dont want my kdis to see their father with denise. it feels wrong. it hurts. i know they wont look at her as their mother, but i dont see her as a good woman, a good person, a good friend, and i dont want those things to be influences in my kids lives. i have to provide the strong base from which my kids grow on. they are with me most of thier time. i have the most control over their lives. i can create for them the expierence i want them to have..the percentage of time their dad has them will hopefully not affect them as much. i need to meditate on letting go of my anger. letting go of my jealousy, letting go of my feelings of needing to be better than her. needing to out shine her. im going to meditate on that.
